Boundaries, Lines and Sad Goodbyes
"You are not required to set yourself on fire in order to keep others warm."
My life this past week has felt more like a war zone that I am escaping than this picture-perfect thing that the Hot Hub and I have worked to cultivate. We have been wracked with so many emotions while navigating the care of my MIL…and the toxic dust that comes with that duty. The family is imploding. Plain and simple. We are in the middle of it because we have been her caretakers for the past two years. My darling hub has been holding his Momma’s life together since we lost my father-in-law…and she barely has noticed who is standing there, holding her up.
Why does this seem to be the norm when our elderly start approaching the end of their lives? This ugliness. Lashing out. I will never guess.
Now, today, we find ourselves sitting at our desks. The house is quiet. The FARM is quiet. Even the 4 pups are settled into some state of peace…and I believe it is directly related to the fact that my MIL left yesterday to spend the summer with her granddaughter in Vermont. Every inch of this farm feels the lack of chaos and tension.
As I reflect this morning on our new state of circumstances, I can’t help but feel that we are somehow in a state of grief. Sadness. Perhaps a bit of both. The situation here has been pretty toxic. (I am hating the ease with which I have been using this word lately, but I just can’t seem to settle on one that fits any better.) Each day, we have been holding our breaths. Never knowing what we are going to be met with. Moods. Traumas. Worries and mostly criticisms for the way we are trying to live our lives and enrich hers.
All of this…has put us in a very unhealthy state mentally. While every moment hasn’t been horrible or tragic, we are mostly operating in trauma mode 24/7. Our moods can’t be regulated. Our sleep is disrupted. Our bodies haven’t been able to properly or adequately release the stress we have been carrying. Do you have any idea what that does to your body and your ability to function?
When the car pulled away yesterday, we followed it up to the front of our property and promptly closed the gate. It was mostly symbolic for us as our gate is a big ole farm gate that latches with a chain that can easily be moved. For us, though, the closing of that gate marked a very significant chapter for us both. We were taking back control of our entire situation. We were stopping the flood of ugliness from pouring into our lives. We were taking back responsibility for our well-being and health, something that has been greatly disregarded by not only my MIL but also a pile of our so-called family. We were shutting off access. Creating boundaries. Drawing lines.
In doing so, we were also taking responsibility for our part in the implosion of the so-called family. By setting the boundaries, we have firmly sent the message that the toxic (there is that word again!) behavior will not be permitted for us any longer. We are prepared for the aftermath. We said our peace with the MIL before she left. We understand what will happen if we make the choice not to allow her back to our property…or if we choose to sell our farm and relocate…or if we choose to plant our feet and step back into caretaker mode. All of which are options for us because we realize today, as we sit at our desks, that we are the ones in charge of our piece of this puzzle. We get to set the boundaries, draw the lines, and if needed, say goodbye. Not a single other human can force their way into any part of it.
That is a pretty powerful place to be for someone who has been feeling so broken.
I realize, as I begin to have open discussions about this situation, that there are a great many who have been in a very similar space. If you find yourself relating, I highly recommend any of the books below. They have all helped me to sort out the chaos while we were in this trench….and I hope they will continue to help me heal from it all.
Good Boundaries and Good Byes.