What Do I Fear

He who is not everyday conquering some fear has not learned the secret of life ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson

I have committed at this season of my life to work at some of the things that I have, in the past, put on hold. at forming a true writing habit. In order to be a writer, I actually have to put words to paper. Funny how THAT works. I got myself a comfy chair for my desk. I cleared out my cluttered computer. I prettied up my desk top so that I would like to sit here each day without excuse….and then cleaned the rest of my house, made a couple of gifts for some friends, played with my dog, read a few books….why am I so afraid of pouring myself into this part of my life? Why do I want so desperately to be a writer but almost as desperately work to avoid putting words on a blank page?

Fear.

I tend to operate in that space a lot. I lack confidence. I have tiny voices in my brain always shouting how badly I am at things (not just writing it seems) and worse yet, I listen to them. I think this space of fear has always gone hand in hand with another of my quirks: the need to be accepted.

Here I am, in this beautiful space that is filled with other writers who I greatly admire. I gobble up their words daily. I have so many opportunities for inspiration yet, I allow the fear - my need for accpetance to creep in.

I am 54 years old. Not 29 but 54. I am working to get settled into this season of my life where the opinions of others don’t have the deep hold that they once held for me. I have formed friendships during this season where I finally feel completely accepted by the people around me (quirks and all). Still I struggle.

Writing is a vulnerable practice.

Putting words to paper isn’t just typing something on the keyboard to me. Every word that I place so delicately upon the screen holds pieces of my soul. My innermost thoughts. They all have purpose. To share those words, those tidbits of my soul is a very vulnerable space.

So now, as I try to reduce the sound of the voices that discourage me, that make me doubt that my words have meaning, that they lack the ability to inspire anyone who happens by my stack - I am sitting in this space where I am vulnerable…and determined.

I know the words my not flow every single day. I will judge my own abilities and my thoughts but I am determined to show up, at the very least. This season, that is my theme. I will show up.

How are you, my gentle reader, struggling with showing up for yourself? Share with me if you are inclined. Maybe we can enourage each other.