When Does This Happen

"If we have not quiet in our minds, outward comfort will do no more for us than a golden slipper on a gouty foot."

I went to dinner with a couple of friends this week. My sweet friend looked at me from across the table and told me that I looked peaceful. Glowing with peace. It lead to a conversation about how badly I have been struggling these past 2 years. I feel a bit like my life resembled a war zone of emotions. It’s not at all what I hoped to convey in my little world.

I don’t think any of us ever hope for struggles…or conflict.

I feel like this is why it felt so difficult to navigate. I vowed, years ago, to live my life with positivity. I hoped to inspire people to seek happiness, despite struggles. I wanted to be one of those humans who others WANT to be around. More importantly, I wanted my joy and happiness to be contagious. Only…these past couple of years, things have been so deeply ugly and that whole “Happy girl” thing that I strived for became almost impossible for me most days.

I got caught up in the yuck, if you will.

During all of this swirling chaos, we made some big changes at our farm. We made some big adjustments to our life. Those changes, I believe are the reason that my sweet friend looked at me a few days ago and told me that I looked peaceful.

The most impactful change that the Hot Hub and I made was learning the beautiful art of saying NO when things didn’t resonate with the life we were dreaming of leading. We had gotten so caught up in doing it all when we landed at our little farm that we somehow lost ourselves. We lost sight of what was actually important to us and our joy. Instead, we thought we had to do all the things that everyone around us thought should be happening at a small farm…forgetting that this was also our home….and it was just the two of us doing it all. (And by “we” - I mean “I”.)

Saying “No” didn’t always mean that we I had to look at another human and utter the word. Mostly, we I had to say no to…MYSELF. I had to remind my own brain that we couldn’t possibly do EVERYTHING and still maintain a sense of sanity. Somewhere in the middle of figuring this part of my chaos out, I also realized how preprogrammed I had allowed myself to become.

I was constantly allowing myself to wallow in the sense of needing to DO more to have some sort of purpose. I needed to be building a business of my hobbies rather than just enjoying them. I had to strive for more, create with the sense of sharing it somehow and most importantly, I felt like I couldn’t soak up something without finding some way to monetize it because good goddess, I can’t simply enjoy my life.

How does that happen?

When did blogging suddenly focus on monetization instead of a simply being a place to share words with anyone who happens by?

When did we wind up having to video or write about our garden so we could share every bit of it, rather than simply enjoying the beautiful process of simply growing food for our own table?

When did we begin having to take photos of every meal we enjoyed at a restaurant “for the ‘gram”? Or share photos of every outing? Or check in with apps at every location we visit?

This peace that my friend noticed, has begun to settle in as I fight my way off the hamster wheel. I have begun to feel more comfortable with my life being quieter. I have started texting my photos to a very small group of people in my life that will share my joys, good meals and smiles with me in a more intimate and intentional way…rather that tossing them up on the web for public consumption.

I have found peace tucked into our days of not having a mile long list of things that “have to get done” or a calendar packed with appointments. There is peace in watching my dogs play in the rain soaked hay field….or sitting on the floor next to my quirky cat as she watches the butterflies flitting on our milkweed outside the window.

I spoke to my friend about this very thing after she made her comment to me.

I am peaceful now.…there is peace in not feeling like I am too busy to stop and soak up my beautiful, quiet life and I am here for it.

I would love to hear from you in the comments.

Love,
S